What about the Ratings

Life is essentially full of a lot of inane moments. Alot of these moments dont define you as a person. How many times have you walked to the bathroom for example? How many of those walks could you describe accurately? What about unloading a dishwasher? Walking the dog?

Even the most memorable in life (Who was the 2nd person you slept with) slowly fade in to the annals of time until even those who experienced it haven't thought about it and may never do so again. Prior to reading that sentence, had you thought about your clumsy encounter all those years ago? Now you have come back to reading, you might never think of it again

Once in a while however, a moment comes along which defines the fabric of your being. A moment which you will never forget. You will tell your grandchildren about these moments. The type of moments that when you tell the story to a fresh faced 17 year old with a young offenders moustache in the pub in 40 years time, your best mate will go for a cigarette. The first 200,000 times they heard it was enough.

Mr President

As his eyes opened after his daily 2 hour nap, this was one of those moments, the Donald could sense it

Faster than he could say ''ratings''. And he did try, the emergency phone was in his hand, milliseconds later the Secretary of Defence answered.

''Mr President, are you in danger?''

''ratings, ratings, I mean, em, ..... it doesn't matter what your name is, just listen. My computer and therefore all of my business dealings has been hacked. Is there a way we can deport the internet?''

''You mean your computer in the Oval Office? That stores the codes of all our nuclear weapons. Not to mention the name and location of all active operatives worldwide''

''Listen Commander.... ok, i cant remember your name so I'm just going to call you Ratings, it makes things easier. Ratings, that sounds pretty bad, but firstly, do they have access to my browser history?''

''Mr President, they could have access to the end of the world''

''Commander Ratings, what we need is clear thinking, these moments are what defines us. Now Ratings, have you any projection on what the ratings would be if the world ended?''

''Mr President, I have issued a code red to every sailor, soldier and airman we have. Let's not think of that possibility. Now, can you tell me exactly what you see on your screen?''

''Ok, but before we go any further I would like to inform you that, whatever the outcome of this, I'm afraid, that you will be getting fired. It clearly states in the contract you signed yesterday that you pledged allegiance to the ratings. It says right here on page one that you pledge allegiance to the ratings, the whole ratings and nothing but the ratings. So help me Ratings? Did you not understand the remit of the job?''


''I apologise Mr President, but please just tell me what you see on your screen?''

''Not sure if i should because not knowing ratings is un American but I'm going to trust you Ratings, but only because I like your name. I see a long list of numbers that iv never seen before. Almost like the matrix.''

''Can you make out any of the numbers? Can you see a pattern at all?''

''Commander Ratings, I would do anything for you, I can't make sense of them though. There's just so many. Well.... I can make out a ..... 1 then beside it is a 4 then I can see a... dam, if only when I avoided the Vietnam draft I actually went to college like I said I was going to''

''Sir, i believe in you, no one has done more or sacrificed more to earn your position than you.''

''You know what, I've changed my mind, your not fired after all Ratings. You have the can do attitude I need around here. Infact, you can have a medal of valour, i will get a helicopter sent to pick you up just now and we can finally meet and shake hands''

''Thank you sir but I lost both of my

arms and legs in Vietnam so can't shake hands. Firstly, though can you tell me what are the other numbers you see? Please.. ''

''Fine but you're fired again, no circus freaks at the Donald's. I can only make out 4 numbers but they make no sense.... 1..... 4.......5........9''

''1459, 1459.... and that's all you can see?''

''Yes I'm sure Ratings, either you are calling me stupid or a liar, which is it?''

''1459..... are you sure that you aren't just looking at the time sir? On my clock it's 1 minute to 3''

''What has 1459 got to do with 1 minute to 3? Either way, I just checked my watch and you're right, my tee off time is in 45 minutes. I'm just gona unplug my computer at the wall and see if the numbers are gone by morning''


''Are, you sure Mr Pre..?''

''That's an order Ratings..... and don't forget to pack your belongings this evening, arms or not. It's 3pm on my watch and i have been working since 11''

''Affirmative sir, it's been a pleasure being your longest ever serving memeber of...''

Line goes dead

The President then tweeted that Rating's had been let go. Breaking his contract didn't leave him a leg to stand on. Then for the briefest of moments, he looked around his office at all the photos of himself and smiled, he would remember this moment forever. It was the first time in his life he let Ratings go, and will probably be the last


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